


And we forget because we must, And not because we will

by Shimruto



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Angst, Feelings, M/M, Magic Realism, almost a fairytale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 20:41:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17372936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shimruto/pseuds/Shimruto
Summary: "For a man that flies from his fear may find that he has only taken a short cut to meet it"





	And we forget because we must, And not because we will

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jumpstarts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jumpstarts/gifts).



> (the title is an extract from poetry by Matthew Arnold  
> the summary quote belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien)  
> .  
> there is not that much magic - i am so sorry, kaara! but this turned into a tale in the end^^  
> i hope it won't disappoint your expectations.  
>   
> .  
> please enjoy)  
>   
> .  
> p.s. the colors are chosen only according to my personal associations.

There once lived prince Changmin.

He was very gifted even among the royal family. When he was only four he managed to learn the language of the birds and animals, made friends with the griffins and cyclops who protected the borders. He was loved by all the mermaids in the kingdom for his sweet voice. Even the haughty manticores were swayed by his earnestness.

The King and the Queen were happy and proud that their son was growing up to become the best ruler for the past centuries combining all traits a perfect king should possess.

 

From early years Changmin spent a lot of time studying history, politics, interracial court and magic. His teacher Unicorn was very impressed that Changmin succeeded in mixing the herbs with his powerful spells to improve the medicine for common people when he was only ten.

Changmin was truly enjoying his life – fully accepting his future responsibilities, understanding the importance of his words and actions and looking forward to helping his kingdom to become stronger.

He got to love spending most of his time at the library engaging in the world of books that taught him lessons much quicker than life.

After many dusty volumes – being a keen child he was – Changmin understood one thing.

_Feelings were dangerous._

Especially the strong ones.

Such as love.

 

Always shaking with fear Changmin recalled the time how he got scared after reading the old tales about people falling in love. These people usually did not end up well – not being able to meet or to be with the person they wanted – the characters died from the overwhelming longing or unabated passion that had no release.

Changmin knew he could not die. He had to take care of his kingdom, the lives of his subjects were too important for him to let something dangerous as love to interfere.

So he came up with a plan to keep himself from any accidental deaths and with the help of his inborn magic gift and hours of translating the ancient scrolls he created a special box.

 

It was just a simple wooden box with the carvings of the forgotten _first language_. The language that bore the true meaning of the simplest things before everyone started to add double layers to the course of life.

He chanted upon it for several days planting the magic of protection and suppression to the very existence of the vessel.

By the end of the seventh day on his twelfth birthday he separated _love_ from his soul, put it in that wooden box and sealed it with a personal mark.

 

Changmin was content seeing how the box flashed _red_ not letting the feeling out.

“From now on I am safe from the unnecessary disturbance of my duties”

His mother touched his hair ruffling it gently as usual but Changmin’s chest wasn’t filled with warmth as before. He thought he should dwell upon this later but his lessons and new duties wrapped him from all the sides again.

Changmin continued to prepare for his future – devoting his all to the main purpose of his existence.

Hurrying from one thing to another.

Followed by the sad eyes of his parents.

 

*

 

As time passed Changmin learnt a lot of other important things.

 

 _Sorrow_ might make you forget time and put needles in your heart. It would eat you from within without slowing down and you would die exhausted and empty.

The wooden box flashed with a new _black_ color and Changmin was able to bury his favourite owl with all necessary honors. Writing an excellent essay on the rights of centaurs an hour later.

 

 _Pride_ could interfere with your sound judgment and be a reason for someone to loathe you and try to kill you for the reason too childish to explain later.

The wooden box flashed _white_ and Changmin saw how the royal court and common people were praising him for his humble attitude despite all his notable achievements. He also stopped feeling tingling sensation of excitement in his fingers after every new invention and had to make a list of future projects not to let him forget why he wanted them in the first place.

 

 _Friendly attachment_ might become a cause for a conflict of interests – especially on a higher level. The conflict might lead to a war that would reap hundreds of innocent lives. All because of two persons.

The wooden box flashed _blue_ and Changmin was able to see the full picture of relationships between the races and to find ways to create the balanced existence of all his subjects. Him singing with the mermaids and his raids to the borders to check on the cyclops and griffins becoming a scheduled thing that held on the memory of distant _important_ that he would struggle to stop doubting with time.

                                    

 _Fear_ might stricken you with indecisiveness, prevent you from making the right choices. Pierce your heart to the extent of irrational beating that could lead to an agonizing death or betrayal of your own principles.

The wooden box flashed with _grey_ and Changmin felt the full capacity of his mind freed from the chains and obstacles to pursue the paths no one dared before. His personal guard receiving the orders from his mother to follow Changmin all day long to prevent him from hurting himself at times and places others would foresee the consequences and step back in time.   

 

 _Boredom_ would make you give up on so many possibilities, would make you forget your duties, would lead you to a pointless life. Turning you into a consuming object that leaves no traces of ever influencing anything.

The wooden box flashed _yellow_ and Changmin was able to finish his studies quicker than planned, moving to the extensive broadening of his knowledge outside the royal matters. While The King had to secretly hire additional staff to check on him – so that Changmin would not miss at least some hours of sleep a day.

 

 _Anger_ would cloud your mind and make you do the regrettable things, leading even to the criminal deeds and hurting the ones who are precious to you without a care.

The wooden box flashed _purple_ and Changmin was comforted by the thought that every time he encountered provoking and aggressive petitioners he was calm enough to make them feel useless in their rage. But he could not forget nor understand his mother’s reproaching eyes when he patted the back of his attacked old teacher in the same impassive way as he sent the criminal to the jail.

 

*

 

By his twenties Changmin was satisfied with the ways he could handle his responsibilities – with the clear head, better judgment and well-grounded opinion. And when the time came his father crowned him as the new King – finally retiring to spend his time with the loving wife.

Changmin – being so fair, just and devoted – was cherished by the common people. And though most of them still remembered and missed the sweet and open boy he had used to be – they understood that for their sake Changmin paid enormous price and tried to repay him back with faithful service.

 

*

 

The kingdom blossomed. The life circumstances were constantly improving. The royals and the subjects were creating new steps for future development and prosperity.

And as it usually goes – the _envious army_ appeared.

 

The wizards, the smugglers, the thieves and all who were quick only when there was an opportunity to sponge on others learnt about the wooden box and decided to steal it. 

They were united by the same goal but the reasons were different.

Some wanted the box for the powerful magic it contained.

Some – for the future leverage.

Some – just for fun.

Some thought that they would be able to control the King and create their own kingdom.

Some actually believed that by destroying the wooden box they would kill Changmin.

 

Several attacks were prevented but the amount of them was increasing and the parents started to beg Changmin to move the box from his bedroom to a secured and guarded place.

After the most dangerous break-in Changmin finally agreed and arranged a secret underground room for it.

 

Though he wanted a simple guard for it his father sent him Yunho – the best knight of that year who finished his training with excellent and remarkable results.

 

“Why would you agree to such a boring position? You are the best of the best. You have to lead the squads and train new generations”

“My King, protecting your life is the most honorable mission I could have asked for”

Changmin halted.

He knew the protocol speeches and royal formalities – this answer was the most ordinary out of all. He heard it so many times – even when the talking party did not mean it but now… The eyes of that man looked so sincere and open. Ready to catch his every word. Honor illuminating from his stance. Determination and firmness covered by the gentle movements. And the soft smile of a rising sun.

A thought passed Changmin’s mind that he could have been able to give the name to the powers that made him still. But this part of the vocabulary was locked somewhere…

“You will stay here – not with me. This is just a box”

The knight looked at the wooden vessel tilting his head a little with a serious expression that transformed into a soft smile again.

“This is a part of your precious heart. It is still you”

“My heart is in with me, beating strongly and cleaned from any possible casualties. And these _precious_ feelings can be a start of something horrible in the future”

The knight returned his gaze to Changmin and for a second there was a blink of sadness – the one a person feels when he regrets proving his theory, because being right like this does not bring him any joy or satisfaction.

“With all my respect, my King, I believe that all feelings deserve to fill our hearts. This diverseness allows us to see the things in different colors. The feelings are giving us a choice that we might or might not take. That is why I will serve to protect yours with my life… till the moment you need them”

“You are strange” muttered Changmin leaving the room in an unexplained hurry.

For the whole evening he could not understand how Yunho could translate his last remark into a compliment.

 

*

 

Changmin was not used to keeping the wooden box away and so he started to come to check on the integrity of his magic lock in the evenings.

Days later Changmin found himself visiting the secret room more often than it had ever been needed before.

‘Why?’ he would wonder lying on the bed – sleep not caring about him.

 

Yunho’s face appearing in his vision definitely did not mean anything in this puzzle.

 

*

 

With weeks passing his visits only increased and Changmin gave up on finding the reason behind it. At the end when his never-failing brain could not supply even a tiny explanation he decided to use this mystery in his usual _productive_ way.

Yunho was not only a gifted warrior but also a fascinating talker.

They spent time discussing the politics, tactics and negotiations – naturally moving to books, music and nature.

It turned out that the knight had been interested in becoming a gardener in the past but his teachers noticed his unique combat skills and persuaded him to develop what was gifted to him.

At times Yunho would still reminisce of his dream to grow beautiful trees and care about rare magical creatures. He had a way with all animals – even the dangerous ones. Somehow they were ready to obey him and calmed down as soon as he entered their personal space. Changmin suspected him being gifted with magic powers but Yunho denied it all saying that it was just an open heart that they needed to feel.

“Sincere feelings overcome any barrier – language, race, distance, time”

“I may lull their anxiety with my magic”

“You can’t become a master in dueling with a wooden sword”

There was something in Yunho’s eyes that made Changmin’s heart beg not to ask for an explanation if he did not want to feel that dull thump in his chest. The thump that recently started to follow him around.

He really shouldn’t ask.

“What do you want to say?”

“You have to use the real one since the start – to feel its curve, to accustom to its weight, to let it grow into you and become the extension of your hand. If you try to replace your true sword with an easier version – in a fight you will stumble and lose because you will not be ready to handle the real one to its full potential and force”

 

Changmin was walking slowly towards his chambers.

Yunho had been talking about dueling.

But then why was there that painful _thump_ again?

 

*

 

Half a year later Changmin caught himself feeling those small thuds transforming into staccato pain.

At first that dragging pain reminded of a distant echo – as if something was trying to reach and remind him of its existence. But with time when those calls for him were lost on his unbroken walls inside – the pain shifted to the never-ending cacophony of steel bells.

Trying to smash his barriers with the persistence of someone sentenced to death.

Having nothing to lose.

Having no one to rely on.

Resorting to drastic measures.

 

*

 

Changmin started to lose his sleep, appetite and focus.

Not bearing to be a burden to anyone around him he stayed silent and covered his worsening condition with the mask of impassiveness. He could not let anyone to be distracted from their duties.

But the strength of those painful blows kicked him to the knees.

Physically making him surrender to the choice he could not understand.

 

After an extensive research that led to nothing Changmin accepted the fact that he did not know what was happening to him and why.

As soon as he acknowledged this he noticed how his forehead was being covered with thick sweat. Hands trembling. Legs giving in. Breathing consisting of small but rapid takes.

He staggered to the library to discover that these were the symptoms of a panic attack.

Which was impossible.

Changmin sealed _fear_ long ago. He should not go through any consequences of this feeling.

‘I need to talk to someone about it or I will never be able to find rest’

But who would understand what even King Changmin could not grasp with his magic?

 

*

 

“There is something strange with me, Yunho”

Thankfully the knight was not sleeping yet when Changmin let himself into the secret room without any warning.

“Why would you say that?”

“I locked away most of my feelings that can lead to my death or the death of others but… it seems I missed a part of them though I was really careful… I don’t understand… but it seems I left a part of them unlocked somewhere and now need to fix it… have to lock them fully…”

Yunho’s eyes changed to a dimmer shade.

Just as every time Changmin was talking about the box and the trapped feelings.

When Yunho noticed that Changmin stopped talking and was looking him in the eyes he quickly turned his face away trying to regain his composure.

‘Again this pang’

Changmin clutched his chest.

‘Why?’

Yunho continued to stare at the marble floor fidgeting totally unlike the best knight of the kingdom.

“Maybe… you shouldn’t try to put your feelings in the box anymore?”

The cacophony inside Changmin was increasing with every word.

“You don’t understand! Feelings are dangerous! They can poison you…” his last words were lost in a sharp breath intake to steady his blurring vision.           

‘They are doing it right now to me… How to stop it? It hurts so much. I need to get rid of them’

Changmin’s mind raced against the time to make it alive and victorious in this invisible battle. He swallowed anxiously closing his eyes to grip any image that would make him stay conscious. Regretting he could not see Yunho’s face because as if something snapped in him the knight started to speak with force never felt before.

Passionately.

Intensely.

Animatedly.

‘What a sight to behold…’

“Poison? Maybe… but they can be a blessing and heal you too. I wish my King would see how simple _hope_   may lift you off the ground, give you worthy things to live for, make you powerful enough to bring impossible dreams to life. Just one simple feeling changes you into a different person – a person you wish to be, strive to be. Just imagine how it could help you to understand the things that are precious and make your life richer… things you wish to exist and work hard to achieve them…”

‘ _Hope_ … things you are striving to see… Was there anything that I wanted or hoped to see?’

Yunho’s dim gaze flashing through his mind.

‘Rather what I hoped not to see… his always averted eyes when we speak about the box… why… no answer again… if I ask Yunho it would burden him with the problems he does not want. These are my feelings that need to be settled…. How could I miss this? I almost spoiled it for both of us… letting this out of control…’

“Hope… It should be the reason… now that I know… I will fix it”

Finally catching Changmin’s expression Yunho froze in a spot. Meaning of those words marring his gentle features with alarm and worry.

“My King…”

But Changmin didn’t hear Yunho anymore. He took his jacket off folding his sleeves up to free his hands for better projection of the magic.

Reaching the box he placed his hands on the lock whispering the spells, fingers moving in a perfect rhythm. Years of carefully tracing his feelings made him skillful in singling them out and slicing them off his soul in one swift motion.

The tiny moment he reopened the box to add _hope_ to other feelings the pain in his chest reached its peak. And with it he almost felt a sudden realization lingering just a breath away from him. The answer for all his piled up questions.

It would take only a small step… a simple stretch of his hand to grasp it and put the last puzzles of his riddle together.

It was so tempting.

Changmin felt himself in a rush and closed the box performing the spells in a hurried manner.

He didn’t want to know any _whys_. He wanted to shield himself for the reasons unknown.

 

For the first time in his life he couldn’t explain his actions.

And it left him shaking even worse than before.   

 

*

 

Days passed and Changmin spent them near the wooden box never understanding why his magic did not work.

The pain did not go away, did not lessen, did not leave him for a minute now.

 

Yunho watched with sad eyes how the wooden box flashed with different colors. Wishing this light madness to stop but knowing too well that a simple talk wouldn’t work. Silently bowing his head, blaming himself for the start of this chaos he followed the orders.

‘As a loyal knight should have done from the beginning’ replayed in Yunho’s head to keep him from interfering and creating additional damage.

 

Changmin was like an injured animal – desperately lashing around to heal himself but only hurting himself more.

He was becoming so blinded by the pain that he didn’t even give any second thought to the feelings he threw into the box. He could feel them shouting at him every time he cut them off and opened the box but he had no time to be careful and gentle anymore.

His only goal was to silence their screams.

In the mess of the _pahhs_ and _oofs_ from the endless spells the wooden box continued to absorb everything like a voracious monster.

Flashes making the head spin.

 _violet_ for _trust_. _lilac_ for _doubt_. _orange_ for _inspiration_. _green_ for _happiness_. _beige_ for _worry_.

All those things he felt when seeing Yunho.

 

Every time Changmin would almost feel a slight relief but the magic would suck all his energy with reinforced power and after a spell he would feel exhaustion and stagger back, about to fall. He would feel the warmest hands giving him support, steadying his shaking. He would gaze into the clearest eyes looking back at him with concern. He would catch not his jaws clenching as if feeling the same pain he was experiencing.

Changmin’s chest would tear raw apart.

He would give it a name – to slowly die alive.

 

And would start this circle of fleeing in vain once again.

 

*

 

One day after an especially tiresome meeting with the counsel Changmin wandered mindlessly through the palace wishing for a place where he could find peace.

Only to find himself facing the doors of the secret room in several minutes.

His legs understanding more than his brain.

He sighed thinking it was a good idea to analyze and finally discover the reason behind his never-ending gravitation to this room when…

“You have to understand me. I don’t want to press him nor do I have any right to do so…”

It was Yunho’s voice. Yunho speaking with someone. Changmin didn’t even suspect that anyone except him visited this room. That there _could_ be someone near Yunho at all.

This supposition putting nails into his wracked chest. He leaned his forehead on the cold surface of the wall near the door letting his heart to welcome more blows.

“… I just came to understand his motives and heart. You should feel it too. He is beautiful no matter how far or distant you are from him. He tries his best to make the right things. I learnt to love all parts of him and if I can help his goals in any way I will not ask for more. I love him just like this and seeing him from afar already makes me happy. I know it is natural to wish for more but we all have duties and his are the most important ones. I am sure he will accept you back when he is ready. Please see it from my perspective and let him to be happy and rest...”

A splinter. The most spiked and rusty one was slowly but steadily sinking into Changmin’s chest with Yunho’s every word. Dragging the disfigured pieces of his heart down. Infecting with ugly speculations. Bleeding waves closing up above his head.

The nausea bending him to the floor.

He could feel the air leaving his lungs, forgetting its way back.

His fingers digging and trying to reach the place which should be filled with everything but contained the sounds of the throbs echoing into the emptiness.

_Yunho loved somebody. So much that he was content to stay behind and watch from afar. So much that he defended this person in front of another. So much that he used every opportunity to make the other people to understand…_

Love.

The first feeling Changmin locked up in the wooden box.

He didn’t remember what it actually felt like but the way Yunho described his feelings and the words he used made Changmin almost reach this state. Grasp it and feel it as a phantom feeling of the missing limb.

The pain, the longing, the passion without release – a perfect reproduction of those old tales which started it all.

All inside him.

But much worse.

Because Changmin locked those feelings up – and what was destroying him now was a maimed version of them. His damaged soul somehow trying to collect and reform the left pieces of his feelings into a replica of the original. Reverberating with the blind dashing – not knowing the purpose and paths.

Answering the calls of their cut-off remains.

Answering the calls of his almost-love.

It should not have happened.

‘This all is a mistake and a fault in the spells. I have to get rid of it… To fix this magic… to find a way to cut this connection with them for good… Yunho… is already in love with someone else… Even if I tried to unlock the box… it would hurt even more… with all feelings back… I will be killed by their intensity…’

For the first time in all these long years Changmin felt his cheeks dampening with salty drops.

‘It’s too late… in the end… it was just a detour for me to destroy everything with my own hands…’

 

*

 

“But, my King, there is a possibility that you will die if we damage the box! There were so many rumours about this! You chose me to guard it in the first place! And now you want to destroy it yourself? We can’t take such risks…”

“I will not. I checked the scrolls and prepared a special ritual. There is one place in the old forest – where the charms are the strongest. The trees absorbed the magic for centuries there. This box was made from that wood. I will charm it to be transferred to another dimension. This will not destroy it in its true sense. It will continue to exist but the connection with me will be cut to the minimum”

“Please don’t do that!”

“I will not…. You will”

Yunho stepped back dumbfounded. Lips trembling. Eyes fluttering. Face whitening.

“Me?”

Changmin took a deep breath, pushing upcoming waves of pain back just for a minute longer.

‘Just be calm. Bear with this pain. Don’t let your lost soul to still foolishly wish for his smile. Be… what you are… what you should have not forgotten when you were with him… be a King’

“Yes. I can’t be near the box during the ritual because our connection has to lessen for this period. You will take it to the old forest and place it at the place I will show you on the map at midnight. I will perform the spell tomorrow. This is a King’s order”

If Yunho wanted to say something against it – all his fight and stubbornness died at the tone of Changmin’s last words.

 

The knight bowed his head.

“Yes, my King”

 

*

 

The night the ritual took place Changmin felt the most exhausted in his entire life. He put every ounce of his energy and skills to completing the spell.

He was lying on the floor not being able to move a finger.

‘Is that how you should feel? Or rather… not to feel at all?’

The emptiness was welcomed.

Changmin knew he could have died during the ritual. And knowing how he tried to avoid it from the childhood his head was filled with wonder how he was able to carry this choice till the end tonight.

 

Yunho didn’t return yet and Changmin debated for a while if he should go and bid farewell to him.

Yunho’s service was finished now.

Changmin knew how useful Yunho’s advices had been for his ruling for the past months. But even though now he could be sure that he would not be affected by Yunho’s presence Changmin decided to let him go.

Yunho deserved happiness by being with the person he loved.

 

Changmin went to the secret room only to see Yunho collecting his belongings. Gently covering the tables with the blankets, slowly tracing the spell books Changmin forgot to take back, stopping to gaze at the protection carvings on the walls as if…

As if postponing his leave.

Changmin saw Yunho’s profile in the mirror.

A stab through his chest making its home again.

The surprise of the blow making him scream and lean on the table near the doors.

“My King? What happened? Are you hurt?”

Changmin was grasping Yunho’s hands for support, clearly out of control of his strength, evidently inflicting pain to the knight but Yunho seemed not to notice anything. His fingers brushing Changmin’s fringe out of its way.

Eyes warm. Movements careful.

Almost healing.

“My King…”

The melodic voice filling Changmin’s mind.

“This can’t be…”

“My King…”

Yunho attempted to make Changmin look at him but the other was shaking his head – words taking on a louder volume with each sentence.

“No! No… I shouldn’t feel anything! It should have gone away! Why is it still here?”

“What, my King?”

“You”

That made Yunho freeze. Emotions crushing the mask of the court on his face, hands grasping Changmin back with the same painful force.

The stormy unbelieving eyes meeting the shaking gaze of the man who seemed to wake up from his nightmare. Still trying to flee from the enemies and pain.

“I tried everything! I used all my powers! Why does it still hurt? I locked up everything… and even threw it away but it hurts even more… It’s impossible”

“Why is it impossible?” the agitation coloring all Yunho’s words “You should just let it go and open up. I told you it would help, it would make it better…”

“No! You don’t understand! It will destroy everything! You should hold everything in one place…” Changmin bunched his fists “Like this… locked, sealed away… then it is safe… and nothing will impact or destroy it… then nothing will be able to kill or destroy you… it will be safe… it should have been safe…”

Yunho took Changmin’s fists and carefully squeezed them.

“It is true… but… if you hold something tight… never letting it to open… nothing new will be able to enter it…”

Yunho tried to push his fingers through the deadly clasp of Changmin’s hands but stopped when his attempt failed.

“… and you will not be able to give and accept what other people are ready to gift…”

He unclasped his own hands stretching them to the King as if in an offering, slowly reaching Changmin’s fists and unfolding them too.

“… And when you are ready to face this... then you may gain something new and different ... and become…”

“Weaker…” answered Changmin hastily trying to move away.

Yunho caught his hands interlocking their fingers.

“Stronger… together… completing each other and having each other’s back…”

Changmin looked at their perfectly matched grasp.

Suddenly everything made sense, took its own place. His feverish mind finding a stable point in this image. His chest almost stopping its requiem.

Only his brain darkened the moment - supplying the conclusion that led to the abyss.

“This might be true but it’s too late for me…”

Freeing himself from Yunho’s hands Changmin straightened himself up. Mind clear enough to leave the room for potential freedom of sleeping bliss.

“Actually…” Yunho shifted nervously around Changmin to block his exit “My King, you still may make up for the time missed…”

“Yunho, you know perfectly well that it is impossible. I could have tried… before tonight… but now I would have to live with the broken pieces left. Never finding the way-out from this pain...”

“Umm… I… actually… I mean…”

The mumbling made Changmin halt in his attempts to push through the door.

Yunho never mumbled.

“Yunho? What did you do?”

The knight inhaled deeply gathering his all strength to speak further. Words confident and free from any previous doubt.

“I didn’t bring the box to the old forest tonight”

“What?”

“The box is still here. In this room”

“How? Why?”

“Your feelings are too precious”

Changmin sealed _excitement_ and _hope_ long ago but it was surely the echo of them lifting in his chest. He had to bite his cheek to blood to suppress it back. He could not let them to be crushed only a moment later.

“Why would you care about me when you wish to be somewhere else?”

“What do you mean? My place is near you…”

“I heard you talking with someone here several nights ago. I know you want to be with another person… Your feelings… are strong… and I have no right to keep you burdened with the duty that hinders you from being happy. You deserve it, Yunho… more than anyone… and though sometimes I wish I hadn’t overheard you and hadn’t come to this realization… my selfish thoughts do not matter anymore. I have to finally face the consequences of my mistakes and choices”

“Hadn’t come to this realization? Which realization?”

For a moment Changmin thought about putting his mask back, ordering Yunho to leave and never see him again. But still never forgetting this moment. Keeping it as a zero point of his future. Trying to patch the wounds of his soul with something of his own. Not applying any magic for relief by lulling his senses to sleep but accepting them and letting them merge and grow. With time allowing his frozen in time and sealed away feelings back into himself praying they would not tear him apart. And maybe one day he would be able to pass as a bearable copy of his original self.  

But.

What was that thing that most books advised about feelings? When you want to finally find a way-out out of this numb maze?

_Closure._

‘Yes… I may need this for the beginning of my nullified path’

This thought brought a seldom smile to his lips – startling Yunho to the core.

“The realization that no matter how hard I emptied myself and got rid of emotions… Even this much broken… my heart still managed to save the ghosts of all feelings… which couldn’t help but… fall in love with you… though I still don’t understand why it echoed so much in me to the point of such unbearable pain”

Yunho’s face turned redder and redder during Changmin’s awkward confession but now he was flushed to his neck, fidgeting from something other than excitement.

“It might have been my fault…”

“What?”

 “I… we… that night when you heard me… there was no one here”

“What? You want to say I was hallucinating or…”

“No! I talked with… more like your feelings talked to me… for most of the time…”

“What?”

Yunho clutched his jacket, mind racing to pick the right words.

“After several days into the service I heard… or more like felt your sealed feelings trying to pass a message to me and I started to listen. Trying to reach them back. They were lonely and in reality wanted you to be happy... they wanted back because they are an inborn part of you but… they are raw emotions and did not understand that by calling out to you so strongly they hurt you. I tried to explain them your wishes and goals… asking them to calm down for your sake… to let you rest… and with time I managed to persuade them… but then after all this time with you and getting to know them… I couldn’t help but… fall in love with you…”

The same words, the same feelings directed at Changmin. He couldn’t believe nor comprehend the reality that was happening.

The chest that had been aching from non-stop dull thumps now suddenly started to fill with comfort and gentle whisper of _happiness_ ghost.

“...you are right. Feelings drive us and at nights in my longing for you… my selfish mind would merge with your feelings’ desire for freedom… transforming into a reason for your pain… With time I lost the control over them. They were dashing in their vessel knocking on your barriers… wishing you to feel again… and truthfully me too… I dared to hope you saw the reasoning in my arguments with you over this subject. I was too blind and let you agonize alone in your magic. I wished I had spoken sincerely with you but… every time this thought passed my mind I shamed myself for ever desiring the attention of the King… all to myself”

“Yunho…”

“I hurt you so much… but only when you asked me to help you to destroy the box I understood the depth of my doing. And still… I couldn’t let you throw them away. I decided to hide them and cherish them until the moment you encountered a better person… a person who will help you to stop fearing and help you to get them back”

Yunho took the wooden box out of his bag and placed it into Changmin’s hands, his own hands overlapping his grasp.

“I still believe you have to open the lock. It might be scary… but they wish you good – all of them. They need their home back to make you feel whole again. To let you experience this life’s wonders to the fullest”

If it were a dream or he had really died during the ritual Changmin did not care. The tremble in his hands shifted to his voice.

“I… me… Will you help me to go through it?”

It was the first time Yunho saw Changmin so fragile and vulnerable. Reminding him that this man was younger than him. Shouldering the responsibilities and lives of his kingdom without daring to show any weakness or ask for any support. Struggling from early years to meet up with expectations and reach everyone’s heart. Still doubting himself and feeling insecure.

‘Just as any of us… only a hundred times stronger’

He let the most reassuring smile to appear on his face.

“Yes, I will! All the way, Changmin”

The younger’s clear eyes lit up. A smile on his lips reflecting Yunho’s.

“Well… it will hurt like hell but I am ready to try”

 

*

 

Changmin still had to start regaining his feelings with caution. The process was much more difficult - knitting his torn parts back to the base.

You can't repair a broken vase smashing all parts together at once. You have to find the right pieces, follow the edges, fit them and smooth them so that they will adjoin in the truest sense and form. You have to be careful not to add the damage.

With every feeling in its original place Changmin felt better though overwhelmed. Like a patient who learnt how to walk again, he practiced feeling again. _Living_ again.

Yunho was always by his side - teaching, mending, filling where Changmin was lacking. His support influencing the quicker stability of Changmin's emotions because when you have someone to catch you - the dive is easier.

 

And while the wooden box was slowly being freed from its yoke of bearing other person’s disquietude – being a wise man he was and being supported by Yunho during this rewarding time – Changmin understood one thing.

_Feelings were a gift._

All of them.

 _Everything_ that makes you feel the diverse range of emotions – from _fear_ to _love_ , from _sorrow_ to _happiness_ , from _anger_ to _trust_ – all them combined make you truly alive.

And if you wrong them, either on purpose or absent-mindedly, you still have a chance to carefully mend and cherish them.

Because… isn’t this what we live for?

**Author's Note:**

> my deepest bows go to Marina for firing up this plot with interesting details and neverending patience of my nervous breakdown


End file.
